Breaking Up With Ariza Is Hard To Do

Hey, Trevor.  How’re you doing?  I just wanted to check in with you after the events of this last week and make sure you were doing alright and holding up well.

We sure had some good times, Trevor.  How could we ever forget the time you stole an ill-advised inbound pass against Denver to seal that playoff win.  Or the time that you mixed it up with Hedo Turkoglu in the championship-winning game of this year’s NBA Finals.  Man, those were some great memories.  Anyway…

Here’s the thing Trevor.  We really like you, but we don’t “like” like you.  And, um, this is really hard to say, but I think it might be time that we start seeing other people.  It’s nothing personal.  I just think we have to do what is best for us in the long-term.

Look, your young and athletic, you’ll find someone else.  I hear nothing but good things about Houston.  Maybe they can give you what you need?  The thing is we just need someone a little more proven and stable if we are going to make a long-term commitment and I just don’t think you can give us that.

With Kobe as the center of this team, we need someone who can shoot the three consistently.  You definitely have some potential there, but, let’s face it, you really struggled at points this year too.  Our championship biological clock is ticking and we just can’t gamble away our prime championship years like that.  Let’s be honest with each other, you could very well regress over the next few years.  I don’t want to be mean, but the Knicks and Magic have already dumped you in the last few years too, and there has to be a good reason and we just can’t take that chance.

I know what you’re going to say, yes, the defense was AMAZING, but can we really build a long-term contract off just that?  Don’t you want something more too?  Staying together is the lazy, comfortable thing to do.  You’re from here, so I understand that there is a comfort zone, but why not try to expand out horizons a little bit and grow personally?

Actually, you know what, Trevor.  I think it would just be better if we came clean.  The real story is… we found someone else.  His name is Ron, Ron Artest.  I think you met him during the playoff series in Houston.  Don’t be mad, I know it feels like a betrayal, but how could we resist?  You’ve played against him; you know what he can do.  The scoring, the shooting, the ballhandling and, yes, the defense.  He’s just so fantastic and frankly, he isn’t nearly as needy as you.  Seriously, $8 million per year?  You only made us happy for maybe three months and you expect us to cater to you like that?  No wonder you can’t get a team to commit.

Ron just gives us a better chance at being champs for a long time.  And don’t try and tell me that he is crazy, I know all about his checkered past, but he swears he is a changed man.  He got all of that wild stuff out of his system when he was younger and is ready to settle down and make a few title runs.  It isn’t about him and his personal needs like you have turned this whole relationship into recently.  It’s about working together towards making something beautiful and not lining his own pockets.  He could’ve had twice as much money as we are giving him, but he knows a good thing when he sees it.  Truth be told, he’s been flirting with us for years and we’ve always fantasized about what it would be like to be with him.

So, that’s it, that’s our confession.  It’s over between us, but I hope we can still be friends.  We’ll be sure to look you up next time we are in Houston.  No hard feelings, right?

Tags: Free Agency, Open Letter, Ron Artest, Trevor Ariza